the horrors

When I am so trapped
That my heart flees to my stomach
To avoid what beats behind my ribs
I indulge in unreal fears instead.

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i ask

do not let me
forget the ocean.

for years
I may drown in grey buildings
and lose myself in tides of strangers

but may I always remember these things:

water, soft and cold
the danger of blueness
salt in my mouth
hard stones beneath my feet
clinging seaweed
and a constant shore.

happy birthday

today is your birthday again
a thing i always forget until
it crashes into me
the last day of january
a surprise of sadness
a pit in my chest
that forces me to think of
you in your chair reading
the sun shining
on your tatty jumper
i stand in my own memory
and watch you breathe quietly
in a place and time
that only i remember
with a special loneliness